Tuesday, 30 August 2011


I'm so tired. I say that in the way that I do, in the voice that I have when I get frustrated, upset, confused and scared all at the same time and I want to hide away. I feel like I'm THIS close away from a breakdown. Why? Thats what I'm trying to figure out. So...
I'm staring at myself in the mirror, with my hair dripping wet, my jaw clenched, and trying to work out why the face staring back at me is screwed up with fear and worry. I havn't had a bad day, not at all. I woke up on my usual place on the sofa at my Nina's house, which is ALWAYS a good place to wake up. The day has been long. Long and quiet, But not BAD. Nothing bad or remotely terrible has happened, but nonetheless I was sat on my bed, pulling my hair, trying not to think.
I'm not sleep deprived, I'm not crazy. I'm so EXHAUSTED. Exhausted of what? It's the holidays, a time to relax and do whatever the fuck you want. It's a week untill school, untill year 10, which I'm looking forward to, in a way. I think I need the routine back in my life.
But right now, in the longest holiday, the one where you just flop out, I couldn't feel less relaxed. I feel so empty, so "wide-eyed and staring at my walls all day". I feel like I'm sleepwalking, and someone needs to throw a bucket of water over me to fully wake me up.
I want to cry. I want to kick, scream, and force my way out of my life which is slowly compressing me. But WHY!? Maybe its just a phase. Except I've felt like this for almost all of this past year. Constantly paranoid. I can shut it out, but when I'm on my own...it's so unbearable.
Everyone always says to me "I can't imagine you crying." There's truth in that, in a way. I'm a different person when I'm around myself to when I'm around people.
I'm sick of trying to please people. People constantly pulling me this way and that, so I have no time to think. No time to myself. I'm not getting at anyone, I love the people in my life to pieces, I'm just furiously typing everything I've felt today.
I'm so worried.
I'm so scared.
I'm so frustrated.
No luck in figuring out why though.  Time to watch Star Wars.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Hatred...and a little bit of love

There are things in this life I hate. Clowns, Kindles, Two and a Half Men, receeding hairlines, but I'd have to say one of my very highest hatreds is foundation. Who the hell made this disgusting creataton!? Who started thinking it was a good idea to get up in the morning and smear your face with some orange paste and decide that you look pretty? Yes, I have worn it back in my younger days but after a week or two it was jsut unbearable. Seeing an oompaloompa staring back at me in the mirror? No thank you. I KNOW people wear it, and complaining about it here won't help anything but itmakes me feel better at least.
However, when my friends wear foundation it is a very different story. One of my best friends who is of the best looking gals I know, wakes up and wears this abomination. Her skin is absolutley perfect but she still wears it? I've yelled and shouting and whined and moaned at her time and time again, and to be air to her the last time I saw her she wasn't wearing any. Nonetheless, if SHE wears it, thats her decision. But now she has started poisoning the minds of my other two best friends, and those unwitting sheep have followed suit. Not one of them needs it and one of them just wants it "because I know I have it."
What sort of logic is this!? Having tubes and powders which they then mush on their perfect faces? Never in my life have I looked at a painted face and thought "Phwoaaaar, I wish my skin looked like THAT!" But these girls still reckon doing this  themselves makes them look attractive. Quite honestly, I see a foundation covered face and want to scream and run in the opposite direction. Is it seriously just me that finds the whole idea of foundation unnatural and alien?
Still, to bring light to an otherwise grumpy blogpost, I will now tell the world of THIS girl. She has been asking to be written about for a long while, and despite her foundation wearing face, I still love her.
This girl, my little asian soul mate, is just...wow. I've seen her so much this holiday, simply because we kept missing each other after a few days. I love evrything about her, in spite of her STUPID MISTAKES. But hey, I'm cool with it. We have such good meaningful dicussions, to days where I just flop out on her sofa. We're so alike in our thoughts :') for instance I can say... "Don't go breaking my heart!" and she will now sing "EEEAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!" to herself. She's so funny and cute and we can pretty much quote Revenge of the Sith. We never stop laughing or talking or singing Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings music. Everyday with her, is a day well spent and I love talking to her family, even if they do laugh at me all the time. I couldn't live without her, she's so brilliant :') Pretty much my other half and I LOVE her. ch is why we ARE going to go to New York to see Tim Minchin, and hear him sing about canvas bags.
I love you Nina! "O-mi-god! A-no-riaaaaght?" <333

Thursday, 4 August 2011

People what I love ;D

So, I'm causally sitting pon the floor of my Dinosaurs room,. listening to someone singing about being a rag doll and pretty much enjoying everything. HAHAHAH Spotify Advertisments :') but I had a point. And the point is my friends. So, I will be writing around the point! Yes! Anyhoo, here's the people who make my world go round;
The best one- This is a girl who's been in my life for such little time compared to others, but in that time...well, it's be impossible to list everything we've randomly done at 5 in the morning. But basically, she's my twin, this random blonde whirlwind. who makes me feel so welcome in her home, with her incredible family- Her mum, who is the loveliest creation ever. Her Dad, who is properly halarious, in an "angry-at-life" kinda way and her adorable Brother who likes me best of all his sisters friends. Hell yeah. She's sweetest, funniest, brilliantest one, who I've told everything there is to know about me to. I'm so so so comforatble with her, we have our moments where we just walk in silence, holding hands just thinking. There's always something new we have to tell each other, and I know we'll never ever fall apart. She's the actual sunshine of my life and oh my god, how I love her :3 it doesn't matter how much we mock and tease each other, because when it comes down to it, we're best friends. There's just the amazing simplicity of it, the effortless as breathing friendship we have...and it's the best.
The soul mate one- This girl is the one I live for. The days when I spend hours flopping out on the sofa whilst she cooks me food, are the days when I feel like candy will fall from the skies and I'll ride a unicorn home. She's THAT great. We have such the same outloook on life, and we're so different yet so similar. She's fucking brilliant. This year I have become closer to her than I ever thought I would be, despite the fact I've known and loved her for a few years now. The funny times we';ve had whilst watching Star Wars for the millionth time are priceless. She's sweet, cute and so strong. The stuff she's been through makes her an amaizng figure to look up to. Or down on considering her height ;D We talk about so much, deep talks and senseless rambles, both of which I live for. She knows herself, and although she doesn't like herself all that much, she knows that it is her and deals with it. If she was here, she'd probably just say "shit happens" in her cute, carefree way. I know she's slightly broken, but nothing will stop her and I lpove her so very, VERY much, my actual sould mate.
The GORGEOUS one- This is a girl who I've known for a little while and have, because of friends, become so much closer to this year. I'm actually in hysterics at some of the stuff she says, she's brilliant. Her life seems so perfect, and I'M A PART OF IT :D I mean, just saying...I actually admire her much, enjoy her company and she's just a little bit beautiful. I could come to her with any problem, and she would open her arms and welcome me with such warmth, I'd probably break down in tears. She'd actually amaaaaazing. Friendly with everyone, and it's hardly surprising considering how charming and lovely she is. I'm glad I know her, and in some ways how grown up with her. She's everything you need rolled into a pair of chipmunk eyes and dimples, and I wan to hug her right now. That lovely gorgeous girl.
The absolutley fantasmically-memories-funny one- This is the one who I see almost everyday, and there's never a dull moment. I'm n ot quite sure what we talk about, it's just a lot of noise and sensless laughing. We're bnoth so stubborn and we fight a lot, but these fights are so petty and funny we can't help biursting out laughing in the middle of them. We're basically telepathic, I'll just look at her, and we'll both know what we're thinking. I have no many in-jokes with her, anyone else would get so confused listening to us. Spending time with her is tiresome, because we spent so much time laughing and running around, it's like we're six years old again. I'm basically her pet, I just casually live under her bed. I'm basically one of the family *break out into Oliver musical style song*  sure, we get under each other skins, but hey, thats from family does. Her absolutely-halarious memories wih me, are so funny.
The cute one!- So many people don't know who this girl is, and I pity them for that. She's the nicest person I know, just simply a friend hrough and through and through. She's lovely to everyone, and gets nothing in return. She's so pretty, and brilliance all over. I don't actually understand how she's so [perfect. It makes me sad. But then, hey she's mine whatever ;D she's so darn cute!
The determined one- this is a person, who have a few select friends, me included :D and is lovlingly prtective of them. Sure, she's bossy, she's freakishly organised, but she's so childish and a fun person to hand around with. We just run around laughing all the time, and we can't be serious ever. I love her family, her life and our holidays memories are the beast.
The sweet one- This girl really is charming. Perfectly easy to get along with, amazingly friendly towards everyone and anyone and lovable, She's shy, she's occasionally blunt, but she's the one you can really trust. Easy to love girl all over really. We have the brain, so we sit otgether in lessons, I make her laugh till the point she can longer breath, but hey. She's just...sparkly.
The childhood bestie- this girl is really something else. Spent four years of my life with her, and I don't reghre one moment of it. We had so much childish fun, at her house, causally getting out all our toys, sharing a love of W.I.T.C.H. And amazing, although we parted in year 6,we're still as close as we can be.She is the funniest person. She can say anything and it'll make me laugh. She's so pretty like a little russian doll, and I love her so much.
The domino one- the first firm friend I made at St barts. She's made my life a whole lot funnier, but also a whole lot darker. She's the cause of darkness in my life, but also the source of excitment so it's a fine line. I still try with her, and I think she's trying too, which I'm glad about. We have brilliant memories, just sitting on her trampoline in the summer. I still love her and I hink thats an achievment.
The old friend- this guy makes me HAPPY. I can really relate to him, wheather its because I've technically grown up with him or just because we're similar. Sill, he's the wise old man figure in my life, the smart one, and the genuine, decent, nice guy. I spent practically a whole year of my life talking to him, and sadly, we have drifted away a bit. Nonetheless, he's a very close friend of mine and I think I'm quite lucky to have him. Especially all our halarious times we've had.
The unique one- his is a girl I am so SO glad to call a close friend. She's so beautiful, with her spikey tufts of hair and messy eyeliner. She's easy to love, and I'm glad I've become such good friends with her. I love having her in my life, and being around her and her amazing sweetness. I'm glad I know she's there and always will be.
The clever one- this random boy, came to be on my list simply because he's so friggin' cool. EVERYONE loves him, and I see him everyday a school. He completely negates the blonde stereotype and is firm friend of mine.

The FUNNY one- MY NEW FRIEND. he has no idea he's on this list, but hey. He's such a good person to be friends with, and I love the fact that I'm gonna be stalking him next year. He's cool.
My blonde friend- I've bonded with this girl over such stupid hings, but it has formed our lovely friendship :') I love taking to her, she's so awsome. She's easy to love and so I do just love her :D

Thats all folks! Thanks for listening! <3