Tuesday, 30 August 2011


I'm so tired. I say that in the way that I do, in the voice that I have when I get frustrated, upset, confused and scared all at the same time and I want to hide away. I feel like I'm THIS close away from a breakdown. Why? Thats what I'm trying to figure out. So...
I'm staring at myself in the mirror, with my hair dripping wet, my jaw clenched, and trying to work out why the face staring back at me is screwed up with fear and worry. I havn't had a bad day, not at all. I woke up on my usual place on the sofa at my Nina's house, which is ALWAYS a good place to wake up. The day has been long. Long and quiet, But not BAD. Nothing bad or remotely terrible has happened, but nonetheless I was sat on my bed, pulling my hair, trying not to think.
I'm not sleep deprived, I'm not crazy. I'm so EXHAUSTED. Exhausted of what? It's the holidays, a time to relax and do whatever the fuck you want. It's a week untill school, untill year 10, which I'm looking forward to, in a way. I think I need the routine back in my life.
But right now, in the longest holiday, the one where you just flop out, I couldn't feel less relaxed. I feel so empty, so "wide-eyed and staring at my walls all day". I feel like I'm sleepwalking, and someone needs to throw a bucket of water over me to fully wake me up.
I want to cry. I want to kick, scream, and force my way out of my life which is slowly compressing me. But WHY!? Maybe its just a phase. Except I've felt like this for almost all of this past year. Constantly paranoid. I can shut it out, but when I'm on my own...it's so unbearable.
Everyone always says to me "I can't imagine you crying." There's truth in that, in a way. I'm a different person when I'm around myself to when I'm around people.
I'm sick of trying to please people. People constantly pulling me this way and that, so I have no time to think. No time to myself. I'm not getting at anyone, I love the people in my life to pieces, I'm just furiously typing everything I've felt today.
I'm so worried.
I'm so scared.
I'm so frustrated.
No luck in figuring out why though.  Time to watch Star Wars.

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