Sunday, 18 March 2012

Food designed to alarm and confuse.

I mean, seriously toast!? EVERYTHING about toast disgusts me.
I hate the way the toaster starts to hum after you've put that poor, innocent bread in the toaster. I hate the smell of the bread slowly being charred. I hate the suspense that the toast could pop up at any moment, do a ninja jump and knock me out. Then when it does pop up, it does it with a horrible grating noise THAT SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON EARTH.
Then sometimes, it makes life difficult for you, and refuses to pop all the way up, so you have risk your life with a knife and spear the toast out of its toaster prison. If you survive this step, the toast is always too hot to hold so you have to drop it on a nearby plate. Or the floor. Then you have to spread the butter on it. I hate the way the butter melts on it, its just something I can't describe that makes me want to be sick. AND whilst you're spreading, toast crumbs have joined the rebel alliance and are pelting themselves at you, trying to make life difficult.
Then, you have to add the marmite. Whilst spreading, the texture of the toast is making a horrible sandpaper noise, and the smell of toast is stronger than ever, and I feel like I have made a terrible mistake. But then I take a bite.
And it just works. It's lightly crunchy, and the subtle tastes of marmite and butter balance each other out, and the slice isn't too hot, just nicely warm, and it makes a very satisfying noise as you bite into it...

I can't explain it. I hate everything about toast, but it's just good. Of course, after eating it, the toast crumbs still haven't given up the war, so you end up looking like the Abominable Snowmans' toasty sibling, but it's worth it.

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